So, today is my thirty-first birthday. I'm feeling more run down, old, and exhausted than ever. I realize thirty-one is nothing, in terms of the average lifespan; but my life is anything from but average. I always thought by now, I'd be married with children. Before my accident, I was living on my own as a teacher, and had met the love of my life. He made me happier than anyone else I'd ever been with, and I truly believe we would still been together, if my accident never happened.
It's days like these that make me reflect on my life, my mistakes and my regrets, more so than ever. My birthday has become a day a dread, because I know the emotional mess it makes me. Every year I spend paralyzed is another year wasted, and so many wonderful missed opportunities. I had a terrific life, before my accident and experienced a lot in the first (almost) twenty-five years of my life. I know exactly what I'm missing out on, and how much better life could be. You can't miss what you never had, but I had nearly everything I'd ever wanted. Now, I feel stuck as a spectator to life, and watch everyone else around me enjoying the things I want most desperately, but can't have because of my injury.
Every birthday is a bittersweet reminder of what I don't have, and wish I did. Every year I watch more and more and more friends get married, and have babies. Very few people understand what my day to day life is like, and how very limited I am from doing things. It's easy to say "you can still do everything everyone else can, just in a different way." Those same people that say that, often don't consider all the work and effort that goes into doing the simplest of things. Everything I choose to do, requires the intervention of others. It gets tedious & annoying. Not to mention, there are just certain things I CAN'T do, no matter how you look at it. I can't have a normal sex life. I'm cut off from 90% of my body. Having someone else go through the motions of something I can't even feel, or enjoy seems frustrating & pointless to me. I can't experience a normal pregnancy, or care for a child. I can't even care for myself. Few people understand the isolation, and emptiness that I feel.
This past week, one of my ex-boyfriends (Mike) got married. Another just got engaged (Eric). It's not like I'm still IN love with either of them, but they will always hold special places in my heart. We were friends (and hung out from time to time, before my injury) and although I'm genuinely happy for both of them, I can't help but feel sorry for myself. It's been hard enough watching all the rest of my friends get married and start families, but it hit me really hard to know they are now both part of that list as well. Obviously, as ex-boyfriends & girlfriends we shared a special bond, beyond normal friendship. During our time together (with each of them) we had fantasized of a future together. It seems silly that it bothers me so much, but I think my situation has made me hypersensitive. If I were married and living a normal life, I probably wouldn't have given either situation a second thought. I would have been able to genuinely celebrate with them. However, that's not the case. In fact, I feel lonelier than ever...
I wasted a lot of time (almost six years) with someone (Joey), that I totally regret. I had lost touch with nearly all my friends during my time with Joey. He was very jealous, and controlling and I was foolish enough to put up with it. I left him the year before my accident. During that time I got back in touch with both Mike & Eric, since we shared mutual friends. It was great catching up on old times, and a being part of their lives again. They had each moved on and were dating other people, which was fine. It was just nice reminiscing and spending time with our mutual group of friends (two of my closest friends-that we all share-Christy & Moody). After the way I had cut ties with everyone, I had been thankful they were willing to let me be a part of their lives again.
Life moved on, and we all remained friends. Then I met the love of my life, Jimmy. We dated for five months before my accident. It was a whirlwind romance. Our time together was by far, the happiest of my life. When I got hurt, we had been only days away from moving in together. Instead, everything we had was violently ripped away. We tried our hardest to keep our relationship going, despite my accident, but it collapsed after six months of battling with an impossible situation. He had been forced to move back to PA. I had been stuck in a nursing home; completely crushed in every way. Although it killed us both, we decided to go our separate ways.
Over the past six years, I've never stopped loving him, or been able to get past what we had. My love for him, has kept me from being able to open my heart up to anyone else. For a long while (the first two years) we stayed out of contact with one another. During that time, I tried to force him to the back of my mind, to dull the pain. Then in 2008 we got back in touch, and tried to stay in contact as friends. We corresponded from time to time, and talked on the phone, and he came to visit me one time. All the while, he was in a serious relationship with someone else. Eventually, it just became too painful for me. No matter how hard I try, I just can't see him as a friend. Having him in my life, with her in the background, felt unfair to both of us. I decided it would be best if he let me go, and live his life without me.
It sucked, and I felt like I had lost him all over again. On the other hand, I had to face reality. He had moved on, and loved someone one else. I was only deluding myself into thinking there was any chance left, for a future for us. Being just friends was intolerable, and I've been through enough pain & loss, to not want to torture myself further. As much as losing Jimmy has hurt me, I've never held it against him, or thought less of him. I don't know if I'd be able to deal with being with him, if he were paralyzed. There's so much change & sacrifice that comes along with living with paralysis. I certainly don't want this life for myself, and feel selfish expecting him to give up a normal life, when he has a choice.
Long story short, Jimmy ended up breaking things off with his ex-girlfriend (not exactly sure why & am not going to presume it had anything to do with me). He contacted me, letting me know he was single and he has been back in my life for the past several months. He says he regrets leaving me, and that he does love me. Although that's music to my ears, he's not saying he's willing to try to be more than friends. It's all very confusing. On one hand he says he loves me, and wants to be a part of my life. On the other hand, he's not willing to make a commitment to me. For me, there's only two logical ways I can interpret his mixed messages. One could be, he genuinely loves me (as a friend), but is not IN love with me and wants the freedom to be able to sleep around and have a normal life, in that regard. The second possibility could be, he IS still in love with me, but is just scared.
He's said before that he wouldn't want to make any promises to me, unless he was certain he'd never want to leave again. My brain understands that, but my heart and body are exhausted. I feel as though I'm on the verge of "checking out" on this life and have absolutely NOTHING left to lose. If it were up to me, I'd want to give it my all, because I know my time is short anyway. I feel like I've been so hurt, and lost so much in these past six years, that I have nothing left to lose, and can't possibly be hurt more than I already have been. I'm trying my best to enjoy our time together, but it hurts knowing that there is a distance between us, that didn't used to exist. I feel his hesitation, but don't know the true reasons behind it.
What hurts the most, is feeling like I've never been good enough, for any man to want to be with me forever. I was with Joey for almost six years, with no ring to show for it. Mike was my first love, and although we talked about getting married, we were just naive kids. Eric never seemed sure of anything (and I'm so happy he finally found someone that makes him truly happy). Jimmy & I talked of marriage before the accident, and I do believe we'd be happily married- if I never got hurt. He even wanted to propose to me when I was clinging to life in I.C.U. and at Kessler. Looking back though, he was just just desperately grasping and scared of losing me. Neither of us understood how serious, or life changing my injury was at that point.
Here I am, thirty-one years old and feel completely isolated, devoid of affection and alone. I'm not talking about the love my family and friends give me. I'm referring to a mate, a companion, a second half, a soulmate. I'm missing that in my life, and feel very deprived not having that special someone. What sucks even worse, is that no matter how hard I try to not project my own feelings onto other people, I feel as though Jimmy should be that person; or at least I wish he was. Obviously I can't force him to feel, or do anything he doesn't want to. To push, or insist that he commit to me would defeat the point entirely. I want him to love me, for me, regardless. He either does, or he doesn't.
What really sucks, is that my whole life, friends, family and tons of men have told me how "special" and "beautiful" I am. I've heard those words a million times over. Everyone that has claimed to love me, at some point in my life has said, "You're an amazing person; beautiful, inside and out." Even since my accident, people have said those words to me. However, they all sound like hollow, meaningless words. If they were true, surely I could find someone to be with me. Then again, I know I'm so stuck on Jimmy, that I don't give anyone else a chance. However, he's one of the people in my life that is guilty of saying those exact words to me. At the end of the day though, words are just words. I often wonder if people just say things to make me feel good, or to give me hope, for my hopeless situation. It doesn't make me feel good to hear how "amazing" I am, unless those words are backed up with action.
I feel like no matter who I've ever wanted to be with, I've never been good enough for them. I'm supposedly this great, talented, amazing, beautiful person, but yet that's still not good enough to want to take a chance, or for anyone to have wanted to spend their life with me. I feel like with almost every relationship I've ever had, there's always been a "but" factor. "You're beautiful, but..." "You're terrific, but..." "You're my soulmate, but..." That hurts and really sucks. It makes all the pretty words, and thoughtful sentiments feel empty and false. I mean, if you truly believed someone was your "soul mate" wouldn't you at least try giving them a second chance?
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Monday, July 4, 2011
Monday, June 6, 2011
Life Is Unpredictable & Full Of Irony
Today marked the six year "anniversary" of my accident. It's certainly not an anniversary worth celebrating, but one that is impossible to ever forget, or ignore. This year brought with it a twist of surprise, and added sentimental value. Six years ago, one simple mistake, would change my life forever. If my accident has taught me anything, it is how very unpredictable life can be.
This year, marks the first completion of the weekly cycle. Meaning, this is the first year, since my accident, where the date, and day it falls on, is the same as on my accident. My accident happened in the very early hours, of Sunday, June 5th, 2005. This year, June 5th, also landed on a Sunday. Last night, I couldn't help but feel an added twinge of grief, as I replayed the memories of that "fateful" Saturday night, where my life got flipped upside down. To this day, I'm unsure of the precise time of my accident, but know the first hours of that Sunday, were spent in the Emergency room, terrified of what was happening, and in shock of what I'd done. That weekend, my last hours on my feet, and my first few hours paralyzed, will forever be etched into my mind. It is a day I wish I could scrub from memory.
Ever since the moment my neck snapped, I have been replaying those last few memories, on my feet, in my head, and fantasizing how different my life might be, if I had never gone to that party, never drunk, or never dove. I have reviewed, replayed, relived, analyzed, questioned, and scrutinized every second, of that final day on my feet. I have beat myself up, and find it hard to be forgiving, to myself, for my foolish actions. I have wondered, "What if..." to a million different scenarios, and have searched in vain for reasons, or self explanations, for why I chose to do, what I did. The lists go on, and on: we should've never gone to that party, I should've never drank, I should've had more to eat, I should've waited to go swimming, I should've used the ladder, I should've never dove. Each action, seems more stupid, worse and irresponsible than the one before it. The truth is, there are no reasons, or good explanations, and even if there were, it wouldn't change the outcome.
Although I never intended to do harm to myself, or anyone, my actions that day, have caused me, and my loved ones a tremendous amount of pain and grief. The combination of many common mistakes, resulted in a gigantic disaster. One moment I was happily, enjoying a self sufficient adult life, the next I was crippled beyond saving. I went from having everything I wanted, to my worst nightmare, overnight. While my life has been the most permanently effected, my accident has had a rippling effect, on everyone that was closest to me, at the time of the accident.
My accident created a horrible strain on my relationships, with many of the people I love. The sheer magnitude of loss, the fear of the uncertain, and the reality of the irreversible nature of my injury, effected everyone I love. The Christina I was, died the day of my accident, and it's been a very bumpy rode, living a completely new reality, being a completely new person. My accident has changed the way I can interact with the people I love, and has forced limitations on what I can do, and how much of a role I can play, in the lives of my family and friends. I've had to come to terms with my new life, and they've had to come to terms with the new me.
My family and friends have at times been my biggest obstacle, while at other times my biggest supporters. I have had many fights, falling outs, and disagreements, with the people closest to me. Thankfully, most of my relationships have stood the test of time, and have whethered this storm, called paralysis. Most of my loved ones have stayed right along side me, through laughs and tears, through thick and through thin. Although they might not all get along with one another, or see eye to eye, they have put aside their differences and rallied behind me. I am so grateful for my family and friends. I feel so blessed, to have so many people that love, and support me.
The rode has been especially difficult, these last couple of years, and I know for sure, I'd be long dead, if it were not for the many loving hands and hearts, that prop me up, and give me strength. There are a few people, that I have lost through this all, and for them, all I can say is sorry. I wish I knew a way to fix my mistakes, or how to repay them. It makes me sad, to think I am missing out, on being a part of their lives, and vice versa. All I can do, is try my best, with whatever time I have left.
2,190 days ago, I thought by now I'd be married to Jimmy, we'd have a couple of kids and I'd be a veteran teacher. I never thought for a moment, that life could throw me a curve ball, or that life would not fall into place, like I had planned. I thought I'd be healthy, and able to care for myself, until I was old and grey. The future seemed brighter than ever, and full of a million possibilities. I was the happiest I had ever been.
2,191 days ago, my entire life was crumbling in front of me, and my future was terrifyingly uncertain. I was newly paralyzed. I was vulnerable and scared. I was in and out of consciousness, and on the verge of death. I knew I might lose everything. I was in tremendous pain, and utter shock. I couldn't imagine a worse situation, a worse moment. I prayed with all my being, that somehow things would be ok. My loved ones were fighting, blaming, and fracturing. I didn't know who to turn to, or what to do.
Today, was not how ever imagined it to be; not during my best, or worst days. I spent the day with Jimmy, my exboyfriend. It was bittersweet, and strangely ironic, spending today with him. It was a mix of extreme high, and extreme low emotions, for both of us, as we remembered a day that changed both our lives, forever. Although we are no longer together, we will always love each other, and share a special bond. He is still one of my closest, dearest friends, with whom I feel I can be most open. He is the one that saved my life, that night, and pulled me from the water. Even though we split (romantically) months after my accident, we have been perpetually drawn back to one another, over these past six years. My accident has changed us both in profound ways, but despite everything, we share a bond, unlike any other.
Six years ago, I had bought him a birthday cake, that we had planned to share together, that coming Monday (6/6/2005), in celebration of his twenty third birthday. Those plans, like so many others, were ruined, and never came to fruition, because of my accident. I have always felt like my accident stained his birthday, with such a horrible memory. I have always wished things could've turned out differently for us, and that we would be able to share a happy memory, for his birthday. Today that wish came true.
Although today was not the ideal day, of how I wished to be spending Jimmy's birthday, I was thankful nonetheless. I feel blessed to have him back in my life, even if it's just as friends. Of course, I'll always wish for more; for both of us. However, I've come to accept my reality, for what it is, and know no amount of wishing can make it be, what I want it to be. I tried my best to enjoy our time together, despite my longings, and limitations. I tried to savor what I could, and be glad to have sitting beside me.
I don't know what the future holds for me, for Jimmy, or "us" for that matter. I gave up trying to predict the future a long time ago. All I know is that, despite my cold sweats, and relentless chills, I was able to have a few laughs, and enjoy seeing his smile. It felt good, taking a bite into a piece of his birthday cake, and for as much as it stung, to not be able to do everything I wished we could be doing, I am so glad we spent today together. Today was a day of closure, and an opportunity to create a positive memory. I hope we can make a few more happy memories together, before this life is over.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
This year, marks the first completion of the weekly cycle. Meaning, this is the first year, since my accident, where the date, and day it falls on, is the same as on my accident. My accident happened in the very early hours, of Sunday, June 5th, 2005. This year, June 5th, also landed on a Sunday. Last night, I couldn't help but feel an added twinge of grief, as I replayed the memories of that "fateful" Saturday night, where my life got flipped upside down. To this day, I'm unsure of the precise time of my accident, but know the first hours of that Sunday, were spent in the Emergency room, terrified of what was happening, and in shock of what I'd done. That weekend, my last hours on my feet, and my first few hours paralyzed, will forever be etched into my mind. It is a day I wish I could scrub from memory.
Ever since the moment my neck snapped, I have been replaying those last few memories, on my feet, in my head, and fantasizing how different my life might be, if I had never gone to that party, never drunk, or never dove. I have reviewed, replayed, relived, analyzed, questioned, and scrutinized every second, of that final day on my feet. I have beat myself up, and find it hard to be forgiving, to myself, for my foolish actions. I have wondered, "What if..." to a million different scenarios, and have searched in vain for reasons, or self explanations, for why I chose to do, what I did. The lists go on, and on: we should've never gone to that party, I should've never drank, I should've had more to eat, I should've waited to go swimming, I should've used the ladder, I should've never dove. Each action, seems more stupid, worse and irresponsible than the one before it. The truth is, there are no reasons, or good explanations, and even if there were, it wouldn't change the outcome.
Although I never intended to do harm to myself, or anyone, my actions that day, have caused me, and my loved ones a tremendous amount of pain and grief. The combination of many common mistakes, resulted in a gigantic disaster. One moment I was happily, enjoying a self sufficient adult life, the next I was crippled beyond saving. I went from having everything I wanted, to my worst nightmare, overnight. While my life has been the most permanently effected, my accident has had a rippling effect, on everyone that was closest to me, at the time of the accident.
My accident created a horrible strain on my relationships, with many of the people I love. The sheer magnitude of loss, the fear of the uncertain, and the reality of the irreversible nature of my injury, effected everyone I love. The Christina I was, died the day of my accident, and it's been a very bumpy rode, living a completely new reality, being a completely new person. My accident has changed the way I can interact with the people I love, and has forced limitations on what I can do, and how much of a role I can play, in the lives of my family and friends. I've had to come to terms with my new life, and they've had to come to terms with the new me.
My family and friends have at times been my biggest obstacle, while at other times my biggest supporters. I have had many fights, falling outs, and disagreements, with the people closest to me. Thankfully, most of my relationships have stood the test of time, and have whethered this storm, called paralysis. Most of my loved ones have stayed right along side me, through laughs and tears, through thick and through thin. Although they might not all get along with one another, or see eye to eye, they have put aside their differences and rallied behind me. I am so grateful for my family and friends. I feel so blessed, to have so many people that love, and support me.
The rode has been especially difficult, these last couple of years, and I know for sure, I'd be long dead, if it were not for the many loving hands and hearts, that prop me up, and give me strength. There are a few people, that I have lost through this all, and for them, all I can say is sorry. I wish I knew a way to fix my mistakes, or how to repay them. It makes me sad, to think I am missing out, on being a part of their lives, and vice versa. All I can do, is try my best, with whatever time I have left.
2,190 days ago, I thought by now I'd be married to Jimmy, we'd have a couple of kids and I'd be a veteran teacher. I never thought for a moment, that life could throw me a curve ball, or that life would not fall into place, like I had planned. I thought I'd be healthy, and able to care for myself, until I was old and grey. The future seemed brighter than ever, and full of a million possibilities. I was the happiest I had ever been.
2,191 days ago, my entire life was crumbling in front of me, and my future was terrifyingly uncertain. I was newly paralyzed. I was vulnerable and scared. I was in and out of consciousness, and on the verge of death. I knew I might lose everything. I was in tremendous pain, and utter shock. I couldn't imagine a worse situation, a worse moment. I prayed with all my being, that somehow things would be ok. My loved ones were fighting, blaming, and fracturing. I didn't know who to turn to, or what to do.
Today, was not how ever imagined it to be; not during my best, or worst days. I spent the day with Jimmy, my exboyfriend. It was bittersweet, and strangely ironic, spending today with him. It was a mix of extreme high, and extreme low emotions, for both of us, as we remembered a day that changed both our lives, forever. Although we are no longer together, we will always love each other, and share a special bond. He is still one of my closest, dearest friends, with whom I feel I can be most open. He is the one that saved my life, that night, and pulled me from the water. Even though we split (romantically) months after my accident, we have been perpetually drawn back to one another, over these past six years. My accident has changed us both in profound ways, but despite everything, we share a bond, unlike any other.
Six years ago, I had bought him a birthday cake, that we had planned to share together, that coming Monday (6/6/2005), in celebration of his twenty third birthday. Those plans, like so many others, were ruined, and never came to fruition, because of my accident. I have always felt like my accident stained his birthday, with such a horrible memory. I have always wished things could've turned out differently for us, and that we would be able to share a happy memory, for his birthday. Today that wish came true.
Although today was not the ideal day, of how I wished to be spending Jimmy's birthday, I was thankful nonetheless. I feel blessed to have him back in my life, even if it's just as friends. Of course, I'll always wish for more; for both of us. However, I've come to accept my reality, for what it is, and know no amount of wishing can make it be, what I want it to be. I tried my best to enjoy our time together, despite my longings, and limitations. I tried to savor what I could, and be glad to have sitting beside me.
I don't know what the future holds for me, for Jimmy, or "us" for that matter. I gave up trying to predict the future a long time ago. All I know is that, despite my cold sweats, and relentless chills, I was able to have a few laughs, and enjoy seeing his smile. It felt good, taking a bite into a piece of his birthday cake, and for as much as it stung, to not be able to do everything I wished we could be doing, I am so glad we spent today together. Today was a day of closure, and an opportunity to create a positive memory. I hope we can make a few more happy memories together, before this life is over.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Not Doing So Good :(
I haven't been doing too well, for some time now. My physical health hasn't been the greatest, which I'm sure has played its part in my overall decline. As many of you know, from reading my blogs, or living with paralysis yourselves, I have to deal with a certain amount of medical issues, on a weekly basis, that I struggle with, greatly. Even after five years of being injured, I've still yet to come to terms with needing help with personal hygiene & bathroom issues. I've yet to find a way, to "just deal" with having another adult shower me, dress me, and feed me. Worst of all, is the need for a catheter, bowel regime and constant fear of incontinence. They all bother me just as much as they did when I first got hurt. I try my best to block it all out, but instead of getting easier, it's becoming increasingly more difficult. Part of the reason, may be because, as time goes on I've had to deal with more & more related health issues, that are just wearing me down. I've had countless UTIs (despite trying to stay hydrated, taking various medications & attempting to be as sterile as possible), most of which, I've tried to tough out, without antibiotics, because they often render my bowel regime useless, which is ultimately more upsetting&can cause skin breakdown. There are times though, when I'm just too sick to ignore and either land myself in the hospital, or force me to breakdown and ask for an antibiotic. Even that is a hassle, because half the time, the laboratories kick back my specimen, without culturing it, because they think it's contaminated. Apparently, I live with a pretty outrageous amount of bugs in my system, because even though we explain it's from a catheter, I've had more than one lab reject my samples. So then, I'm stuck with taking an antibiotic that may, or may not clear up the infection, and the wonderful stress, of worrying about accidents. This is all on top of the dozen or so pills I take on a daily basis, just to stay somewhat functioning (mostly bowel & bladder related, with a couple anti-depressant, anti-anxiety meds).
Yesterday, I spent all day at the hospital for a UTI. I just took an antibiotic called Leviquin, about three weeks ago, that obviously didn't work. They took blood & urine, gave me a ridiculously strong IV antibiotic& a prescription. I was in the ER for about seven hours (two of which, were just spent waiting for an ambulance ride back to my apartment). The whole time, I'm trying my best not to freak out, or have a panic attack, because my absolute worst fears & experiences all revolve around the hospital. I spent the first year & a half, after my accident living in Robert Wood Johnson ICU, Kessler rehab, ST. Barnabas ICU, Cheshire nursing home, Morristown Memorial hospital and then back to the nursing home. Despite having daily visitors, most of the time, the large majority (mostly at night) was spent painfully, and terrifyingly, alone. I can't even begin to describe the loneliness, fear and sadness that I experienced, most nights. At times, I was literally at the brink of death, most times, just overwhelmed with loss and fear. I doubt anyone, has pleasant hospital memories, however, being hospitalized and totally paralyzed, feels like hell on earth. You are 100% at the mercy of the hospital staff, especially when you can't even hit a call bell, reposition yourself, get a drink, change the tv channel, work the bed controls, pick up the phone, or any other small comfort, that the average person can do. Plus, thanks to HIPA, I end up having to re-explain that I'm paralyzed, almost every time someone besides my nurse, or doctor enters the room. Honestly, I rather have staff read my chart, than have to explain why I can't make a fist, or raise my arm, or any other stupid thing. Even when I have family, or friends with me, I feel scared and lonely. I just want to be home, and I'm dreading the time when they'll have to inevitably leave me behind. The few times people stayed overnight with me, I still knew they'd eventually have to leave. Plus, I felt horrible, because I knew how uncomfortable & exhausted they must have been, trying to comfort me. As crazy as it might seem, I couldn't even watch a tv show or movie about the hospital, without feeling panicked. Although, thankfully, I haven't had to stay over night in the hospital, since I've been home, the fear is always there. Horribly, in the end, with or without visitors, I often still feel alone.
Short of having a person climb into bed with me, it's hard for me not feel alone. I can't feel people holding my hand. I can't feel much of anything. Other people with paralysis and therapists have said stuff like,"You can still feel your head, neck and shoulders.You can learn to substitue affection to the areas you can feel" and/or "intimacy is mostly in the mind." For me, paralysis has been extremely isolating and I feel extremely deprived. Not only do I feel emotionally cut off (because most people have no clue what it's like), but physically, alone. I so often, feel like I just want to be held and be able to embrace the person back. Not that a hug would really solve anything, I feel such a void in my life. A big part of that emptiness, is not having a signifigant other. Family and friends can only do so much, and although I love them and am tremendously thankful for the people in my life, there is ahuge, gaping emptiness inside of me. I miss having that other half, to hold me and make me feel safe. It's a different type of love and affection, and it's been lacking in my life for a very long time now. Sometimes, I feel as though, I'd be stronger and feel as though I would have more purpose, if I had a husband in my life. At the end of the day, my friends& family, all have their own lives, and I feel completely lost and empty. Part of my problem, is that I honestly still love my ex (the person I was with, when I was hurt) and our break-up isn't something I've been able to get past. Mostly because, we both feel like we'd be together, if I were never hurt. All my dreams were ripped out from underneath me overnight, and being with him was one of those dreams. The events that followed my accident, made it impossible for our relationship to work, and although I have no way of knowing how my life (or our relationship) would've turned out, up until this point, the abruptness of how it all ended, makes it unbearably difficult to move forward.
As unbearable as it's been without him, I'm full of doubts within myself as well. I don't know that I'd have been able to be there for him, if our situations were reversed, and that's an ugly reality, I didn't want to admit to myself. You think that love should be enough, but the reality is, that each case is unique and you really can't judge anyone, unless you've been in their shoes. Part of me feels like, if he truly loved me, we'd somehow be together. Another part of me says, I'm not sure how I'd handle it myself (in his shoes or even now, in my position). I don't really know how I'd deal with having a romantic relationship, on top of all of this. There's so much of my life, I'd want to shield, or hide, that I couldn't. I only know what I had, and recognize, it wouldn't be the same. Regardless of who I'd be with, the thought of letting anyone into my life in that way, both terrifies me and leaves me feeling very skeptical. Why would anyone want to willingly choose, to take on all the hardships that come along with my life? I'm trying so hard to run away from them myself, so why would anyone welcome them? Plus, there's my overwhelming sense of guilt, that I could never contribute even a fraction of what that person could. Also, there's my want to be with someone that's able bodied, because otherwise, I feel as though, it's just another friendship. How can I expect someone else to want something I don't even want for myself? Part of me feels like a bad person, for not being able to see past all the physical, but it's so much of the physical, nurturing aspect of a relationship, that I feel so lacking and that I miss.
My failed relationship with my ex, is just one of many hugely important goals/dreams that I've struggled with since my accident. There's the career I worked so hard for, achieved, then lost. Then, there's the dreams of marriage and children, I've had since I was a little girl; on top of ordinary goals, like owning a home, playing an active role in helping family & friends and common milestones. For the past five and a half years, I've been watching all of my friends accomplish the things I thought I'd have (and still desperately want). Every day, I see painful reminders of what I could've had, but ruined. It's not to say, I absolutely couldn't teach, get married, or even have children, in my condition. What most people fail to see, or understand, is that the aspects of' those dreams that I most looked forward to experiencing, would be gone. I can no longer do most of my favorite parts of my job, which include, the physical interaction with the materials, the hands on working & demonstration with the kids and the physical tasks of organizing, showing, managing and doing. Yes, the ideas are still there, but so much of what I loved, was making those ideas into reality. It's the kinesthetic, tactile sensations that I love most about art, and most of that is gone. Marriage and children, come with a ton of experiences that I'd completely miss out on. It kills me, to think I'll most likely never experience most of the things I've dreamed of my entire life. The compromises just seem so pale in comparison. I've looked forward to all the traditions of marriage, not just the piece of paper. I want to go try on wedding dresses in front of a million full length mirrors, WALK down the isle arm & arm with my dad, dance my wedding song with my husband, be carried through the threshold the night of my wedding, and make tons of love on my honeymoon. I've been dreaming, and wondering ever since I was a little girl, what it'd be like to be pregnant, feel my baby growing inside of me, having my husband rub my belly, decorate the nursery, go into labor, hold my baby in my arms, and breast feed. If I had a child, I looked forward to bathing it, feeding it, dressing it, rocking it to sleep and keeping it safe. I don't know that I could handle all the compromises and being a spectator. It breaks my heart, just thinking about it.
I've been struggling with all of these issues, since day one (June, 5, 2005). Instead of getting easier to cope, it's gotten harder and harder. Every year that passes, seems like a year lost, a dream gone forever. Every day that passes without a breakthrough, or a cure, it seems less hopeful. Every politician's decision or governmental set back to funding, seems like a punch to my face, like a personal attack. When people fight over research, it makes me feel so insignificant and worthless. How can people value cells, already predestined for the trash, more than me; a living, breathing, suffering, citizen? Why is there hardly any money or time to find a way to repair the spinal cord, but plenty of time and money, for war and exploration of other planets? Why is it ok for me to have to live this way? Why do so many people do foolish things, and/or even mean, horrible things, but get to spend full, healthy lives? It's getting to feel to be too much, too overwhelming, more hopeless, emptier, unbearable.
I've talked to my doctor about changing my anti-depressant medication, in hopes of helping me regain some ability to cope. I'm at the point where I feel as though nothing is taking off the edge, nothing is distracting enough. I feel awful, sad, lost, scared and lonely. I know I have people around me that worry,care about me and support me. Nothing is enough, and I feel helpless and horrible and don't want to feel this way. I'm skeptical of how much difference a pill will make, or even what talking about it can do. Nothing, short of fixing my spine can really serve as a solution, but I feel as though I've hit a wall. I feel worn out and at a loss for how to keep going forward, by just continuing what I've been doing up until now. I feel as though, I'm quickly unraveling, and it terrifies me. Asking for help scares me, but saying nothing scares me more. It's especially hard finding (or believing) anyone that really understands what I've beenthrough and what I'm going through. Many of my disabled friends/acquaintances are men, and I feel lack the ability to truly understand my perspective. I'm always concerned my honesty will upset the people that love me, and therefore hold a lot back. I'm at a point, where I feel I must speak up, to keep what sanity I have left. I don't even know how anyone can really help me. I know part of me, should just force myself to go forward, and do things, despite my lack of drive, or desire, but then I start to wonder who I'm really forcing myself for. Do I really want it for myself, deep down, or do I just not want to further disappoint myself & loved ones; but at what cost? My mind is currently just a chaotic mess of mixed emotions, sadness, frustration and fear and I'm desperate for some real solutions, if there are any.
Yesterday, I spent all day at the hospital for a UTI. I just took an antibiotic called Leviquin, about three weeks ago, that obviously didn't work. They took blood & urine, gave me a ridiculously strong IV antibiotic& a prescription. I was in the ER for about seven hours (two of which, were just spent waiting for an ambulance ride back to my apartment). The whole time, I'm trying my best not to freak out, or have a panic attack, because my absolute worst fears & experiences all revolve around the hospital. I spent the first year & a half, after my accident living in Robert Wood Johnson ICU, Kessler rehab, ST. Barnabas ICU, Cheshire nursing home, Morristown Memorial hospital and then back to the nursing home. Despite having daily visitors, most of the time, the large majority (mostly at night) was spent painfully, and terrifyingly, alone. I can't even begin to describe the loneliness, fear and sadness that I experienced, most nights. At times, I was literally at the brink of death, most times, just overwhelmed with loss and fear. I doubt anyone, has pleasant hospital memories, however, being hospitalized and totally paralyzed, feels like hell on earth. You are 100% at the mercy of the hospital staff, especially when you can't even hit a call bell, reposition yourself, get a drink, change the tv channel, work the bed controls, pick up the phone, or any other small comfort, that the average person can do. Plus, thanks to HIPA, I end up having to re-explain that I'm paralyzed, almost every time someone besides my nurse, or doctor enters the room. Honestly, I rather have staff read my chart, than have to explain why I can't make a fist, or raise my arm, or any other stupid thing. Even when I have family, or friends with me, I feel scared and lonely. I just want to be home, and I'm dreading the time when they'll have to inevitably leave me behind. The few times people stayed overnight with me, I still knew they'd eventually have to leave. Plus, I felt horrible, because I knew how uncomfortable & exhausted they must have been, trying to comfort me. As crazy as it might seem, I couldn't even watch a tv show or movie about the hospital, without feeling panicked. Although, thankfully, I haven't had to stay over night in the hospital, since I've been home, the fear is always there. Horribly, in the end, with or without visitors, I often still feel alone.
Short of having a person climb into bed with me, it's hard for me not feel alone. I can't feel people holding my hand. I can't feel much of anything. Other people with paralysis and therapists have said stuff like,"You can still feel your head, neck and shoulders.You can learn to substitue affection to the areas you can feel" and/or "intimacy is mostly in the mind." For me, paralysis has been extremely isolating and I feel extremely deprived. Not only do I feel emotionally cut off (because most people have no clue what it's like), but physically, alone. I so often, feel like I just want to be held and be able to embrace the person back. Not that a hug would really solve anything, I feel such a void in my life. A big part of that emptiness, is not having a signifigant other. Family and friends can only do so much, and although I love them and am tremendously thankful for the people in my life, there is ahuge, gaping emptiness inside of me. I miss having that other half, to hold me and make me feel safe. It's a different type of love and affection, and it's been lacking in my life for a very long time now. Sometimes, I feel as though, I'd be stronger and feel as though I would have more purpose, if I had a husband in my life. At the end of the day, my friends& family, all have their own lives, and I feel completely lost and empty. Part of my problem, is that I honestly still love my ex (the person I was with, when I was hurt) and our break-up isn't something I've been able to get past. Mostly because, we both feel like we'd be together, if I were never hurt. All my dreams were ripped out from underneath me overnight, and being with him was one of those dreams. The events that followed my accident, made it impossible for our relationship to work, and although I have no way of knowing how my life (or our relationship) would've turned out, up until this point, the abruptness of how it all ended, makes it unbearably difficult to move forward.
As unbearable as it's been without him, I'm full of doubts within myself as well. I don't know that I'd have been able to be there for him, if our situations were reversed, and that's an ugly reality, I didn't want to admit to myself. You think that love should be enough, but the reality is, that each case is unique and you really can't judge anyone, unless you've been in their shoes. Part of me feels like, if he truly loved me, we'd somehow be together. Another part of me says, I'm not sure how I'd handle it myself (in his shoes or even now, in my position). I don't really know how I'd deal with having a romantic relationship, on top of all of this. There's so much of my life, I'd want to shield, or hide, that I couldn't. I only know what I had, and recognize, it wouldn't be the same. Regardless of who I'd be with, the thought of letting anyone into my life in that way, both terrifies me and leaves me feeling very skeptical. Why would anyone want to willingly choose, to take on all the hardships that come along with my life? I'm trying so hard to run away from them myself, so why would anyone welcome them? Plus, there's my overwhelming sense of guilt, that I could never contribute even a fraction of what that person could. Also, there's my want to be with someone that's able bodied, because otherwise, I feel as though, it's just another friendship. How can I expect someone else to want something I don't even want for myself? Part of me feels like a bad person, for not being able to see past all the physical, but it's so much of the physical, nurturing aspect of a relationship, that I feel so lacking and that I miss.
My failed relationship with my ex, is just one of many hugely important goals/dreams that I've struggled with since my accident. There's the career I worked so hard for, achieved, then lost. Then, there's the dreams of marriage and children, I've had since I was a little girl; on top of ordinary goals, like owning a home, playing an active role in helping family & friends and common milestones. For the past five and a half years, I've been watching all of my friends accomplish the things I thought I'd have (and still desperately want). Every day, I see painful reminders of what I could've had, but ruined. It's not to say, I absolutely couldn't teach, get married, or even have children, in my condition. What most people fail to see, or understand, is that the aspects of' those dreams that I most looked forward to experiencing, would be gone. I can no longer do most of my favorite parts of my job, which include, the physical interaction with the materials, the hands on working & demonstration with the kids and the physical tasks of organizing, showing, managing and doing. Yes, the ideas are still there, but so much of what I loved, was making those ideas into reality. It's the kinesthetic, tactile sensations that I love most about art, and most of that is gone. Marriage and children, come with a ton of experiences that I'd completely miss out on. It kills me, to think I'll most likely never experience most of the things I've dreamed of my entire life. The compromises just seem so pale in comparison. I've looked forward to all the traditions of marriage, not just the piece of paper. I want to go try on wedding dresses in front of a million full length mirrors, WALK down the isle arm & arm with my dad, dance my wedding song with my husband, be carried through the threshold the night of my wedding, and make tons of love on my honeymoon. I've been dreaming, and wondering ever since I was a little girl, what it'd be like to be pregnant, feel my baby growing inside of me, having my husband rub my belly, decorate the nursery, go into labor, hold my baby in my arms, and breast feed. If I had a child, I looked forward to bathing it, feeding it, dressing it, rocking it to sleep and keeping it safe. I don't know that I could handle all the compromises and being a spectator. It breaks my heart, just thinking about it.
I've been struggling with all of these issues, since day one (June, 5, 2005). Instead of getting easier to cope, it's gotten harder and harder. Every year that passes, seems like a year lost, a dream gone forever. Every day that passes without a breakthrough, or a cure, it seems less hopeful. Every politician's decision or governmental set back to funding, seems like a punch to my face, like a personal attack. When people fight over research, it makes me feel so insignificant and worthless. How can people value cells, already predestined for the trash, more than me; a living, breathing, suffering, citizen? Why is there hardly any money or time to find a way to repair the spinal cord, but plenty of time and money, for war and exploration of other planets? Why is it ok for me to have to live this way? Why do so many people do foolish things, and/or even mean, horrible things, but get to spend full, healthy lives? It's getting to feel to be too much, too overwhelming, more hopeless, emptier, unbearable.
I've talked to my doctor about changing my anti-depressant medication, in hopes of helping me regain some ability to cope. I'm at the point where I feel as though nothing is taking off the edge, nothing is distracting enough. I feel awful, sad, lost, scared and lonely. I know I have people around me that worry,care about me and support me. Nothing is enough, and I feel helpless and horrible and don't want to feel this way. I'm skeptical of how much difference a pill will make, or even what talking about it can do. Nothing, short of fixing my spine can really serve as a solution, but I feel as though I've hit a wall. I feel worn out and at a loss for how to keep going forward, by just continuing what I've been doing up until now. I feel as though, I'm quickly unraveling, and it terrifies me. Asking for help scares me, but saying nothing scares me more. It's especially hard finding (or believing) anyone that really understands what I've beenthrough and what I'm going through. Many of my disabled friends/acquaintances are men, and I feel lack the ability to truly understand my perspective. I'm always concerned my honesty will upset the people that love me, and therefore hold a lot back. I'm at a point, where I feel I must speak up, to keep what sanity I have left. I don't even know how anyone can really help me. I know part of me, should just force myself to go forward, and do things, despite my lack of drive, or desire, but then I start to wonder who I'm really forcing myself for. Do I really want it for myself, deep down, or do I just not want to further disappoint myself & loved ones; but at what cost? My mind is currently just a chaotic mess of mixed emotions, sadness, frustration and fear and I'm desperate for some real solutions, if there are any.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Not Good Enough
A poem (for lack of a better word. I don't exactly follow a set pattern or style. More like random thoughts...) I wrote a couple of months ago. I rather not go into detail on my thoughts behind it. Interpretation is up to you. Just thought I'd share:
Guess I wasn't good enough
Not enough to be your all
You've cut me deeper than you'll ever know
The pain runs through, down to my soul
I was holding on to a fantasy
All the while, you moved on
False hope
False words
Guess you were never who I thought you were
I just kept holding on
Don't know what I'd do if I were you
Things to good to be true
I was clinging to your memory
Seems I had things wrong
Broken promises
Broken dreams
Guess you were never mine
Thought all I needed was to do my time
The past pushed me on
Those illusions are all gone
You choose your path
My heart snaps
Lost love
Lost hope
Guess it's my fault for losing you
Don't know what I'm going to do
Blame myself for everything
Can't see what good the future brings
Bittersweet memories
Erase them from my mind
Impossible to stop
Impossible to run away
Guess I wasn't good enough
Not enough to be your all
You've cut me deeper than you'll ever know
The pain runs through, down to my soul
I was holding on to a fantasy
All the while, you moved on
False hope
False words
Guess you were never who I thought you were
I just kept holding on
Don't know what I'd do if I were you
Things to good to be true
I was clinging to your memory
Seems I had things wrong
Broken promises
Broken dreams
Guess you were never mine
Thought all I needed was to do my time
The past pushed me on
Those illusions are all gone
You choose your path
My heart snaps
Lost love
Lost hope
Guess it's my fault for losing you
Don't know what I'm going to do
Blame myself for everything
Can't see what good the future brings
Bittersweet memories
Erase them from my mind
Impossible to stop
Impossible to run away
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