"Schwartz Center Rounds Annual Dinner"

I'm happy to announce that fifteen of my paintings are going to be on display (October 3, 2011) at Overlook Medical Center, as part of their "Schwartz Center RoundsAnnual Dinner." The event facilitator, Jeanne is a friend of mine. She and I met online about six months (through my many searches about palliative care and hospice). She is the "Ethics & Palliative Care Program Coordinator" at Overlook Hospital (here in NJ). I had contacted her, asking about patient's rights and shared a brief history about my accident, and my struggles. It turned out that she and I shared a mutual acquaintance (from Kessler). We shared email correspondences over a period of several months, and she was very moved by my blogs and artwork. Before long we became friends. She has been very supportive, and caring.

She came to visit me a couple of months ago, and we discussed the possibility of displaying some of my artwork at the hospital. She explained that she worked very closely with doctors, nurses and other medical professionals and thought that the medical community at her hospital could benefit from seeing my paintings and reading my writing. She said that part of her job entailed helping new doctors and nurses learn to be more compassionate and empathetic to patient's needs. I agreed, and was happy for the opportunity. I have often felt frustrated by the lack of help that medical science has been able to offer me, and upset by the treatments and lifestyle that I'm forced to endure because of my injury. I do believe my artwork could potentially help medical professionals better understand what it is like to live paralysis, and to suffer with chronic pain and illness. It has always been my hope, that by sharing my writing and my artwork that I would educate others and open people's hearts and minds.

I truly believe in order for a cure to paralysis being found, more people must understand how horribly and profoundly it can change a person's life and how difficult it can be to live with it, everyday. I have also come to believe strongly in patient's having the right to advocate for themselves and to have the right to die with dignity (when medical science can not offer a cure or relief to severely debilitating or incurable illness/conditions). I think it is important for medical professionals to do everything within their means to give patients the highest quality of life they possibly can, to listen to what their patients are saying and to alleviate suffering whenever possible.

I think it is crucial for the medical community and society at large, to recognize that some conditions are worse than death, and when/if a patient is mentally competent to asses his/her own situation, that he/she alone should be able to determine what lengths he/she is willing to go through to preserve his/her own life and those wishes should be respected. In many ways, I feel our society is more "humane" to our pets than we are to millions of people that are essentially forced into suffering, because there is no cure, or treatment available to alleviate their pain. Not everyone with an incurable, terminal, debilitating disease or injury would choose death, over life. However, I believe there ought to be a quick, peaceful alternative available to those who want it. I hope my artwork and my writing will inspire change.

I think this dinner at Overlook hospital is another small step in my journey to open hearts and minds towards suffering, quality of life and death. I really hope my works hits a soft spot and sinks in, for all the medical professionals that attend. I hope it makes an impact.The dinner itself is an annual event, and has an interesting history. I feel honored to be included in the tradition. I asked Jeanne to tell me a little bit about the purpose of the dinners and about their collective history. This is what she sent me:

"Schwartz Center Rounds were started by Kenneth B. Schwartz, a health care attorney from Boston, who died from lung cancer at a young age. He wanted to leave a legacy of support for professional healthcare workers to enhance and replenish their abilities to provide compassionate care for patients and families. He recognized that some of the most important work of healthcare professionals is to deliver compassion to their patients (hand holding, listening, laughing, combing hair, etc.).

The purpose of the monthly Rounds are to provide a forum and “level playing field” where caregivers from diverse disciplines (doctors, nurses, social workers, chaplains, dietary workers, etc.) discuss difficult emotional and social issues that arise in caring for patients. It is a forum to explore the human and emotional side of clinical medicine ---but with the focus on the patient-caregiver relationship rather than solely on the patient’s medical situation. Even though doctors and nurses cannot cure many conditions/diseases, they can still relate to one another and to patients and families in a way that provides hope, support and sustenance to the healing process.

We have these Rounds monthly and usually present a case that was difficult or emotional in some way. We often shed tears. Once a year, we hold a special “Rounds” where we invite a patient or family member to share their views about the experience they had. As you can see, your artwork and story will be a very powerful topic for discussion and expression of feelings from all.

Your paintings and your voice will carry your story to the hearts of each of those who come and will strengthen their ability to reflect on the suffering of all patients."

Good stuff :) I'm excited to hear the feedback!


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Sketchbook Is Finally Digitized & Online!

Last year I entered an Art House Co-Op project, called "Sketchbook Project: 2011." Each artist was asked to choose a theme from a list of predesignated themes (I chose "Help!") and sent a 80 page sketchbook. The only requirements were to fill the sketchbook according to the theme you chose & send it back. Each sketchbook was given a barcode for tracking purposes. About 10,000 artists participated & the sketchbooks were taken on a cross country tour, to multiple exhibits, where people from all different states could look through them. Once the tour was concluded, the books were all brought back to the Brooklyn Art Library and some were digitized (if you chose to pay the additional fee) as part of Art House Co-op's digital library.

Since I do all my artwork by mouth, it was much easier for me to create the sketches/artwork for my sketchbook on my iPad & print them out. I created a description page and image for each two page layout. The book is now digitized and available for viewing through my Art House Co-op profile, or directly through this link (www.arthousecoop.com/library/4604).

It took me months to fill the book. Unlike painting, I can work on my digital artwork in bed. Since I haven't been well enough to get up & paint as often as I'd like (these last couple of years) my iPad has given me a new outlet for artistic expression. I thought this project would be a great way to help raise awareness about paralysis & spinal cord injuries. The theme "Help!" fit in perfectly with my intent to ask people to help me (and the millions of people suffering with paralysis world wide) by supporting research for a cure to paralysis. All the sketches, digital images & collages I included in my sketchbook are about my struggles with my accident, my injury and my life with paralysis.

I'm pleased with how the book turned out (with the exception of the first two page layout- my collage was pasted upside down by mistake). I'm hoping that now it is available online for viewing it will get a lot hits, and get people thinking about paralysis & spinal cord injuries. They say a picture is worth a thousand words, so I hope my artwork has an impact on the people that see it. I want to open people's eyes, educate the general public & hopefully inspire some people to support research & advocate for a cure. I'd love to hear feedback & please share the link with friends! Thanks <3


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Questioning Life & My Options

I've come to a point in my life where I find myself at a crossroad. I’ve been struggling the last five and a half years living with paralysis. It’s impossible to truly express the emotional rollercoaster ride that I’ve been on, since June 2005. I’ve tried my best to be open, about my thoughts and feelings. I’ve tried very hard to convey the magnitude of loss that I sustained, due to my injury, as well as the hardships of living with paralysis on a daily basis. Despite my best efforts, I feel like the average person can never understand how much I’ve suffered and continue to suffer. Words alone, aren’t enough to garnish empathy; sympathy perhaps. Even the people closest to me, that witness all that I have to endure, can never know what it’s like to live in my shoes. Although I often seek advice from other people living with paralysis, the pool of people that have/are lived/living through what I have/am, is very small. There aren’t many women in their early thirties with high level, complete spinal cord injuries. Even those that are out there, everyone’s life before their injury and at the point of injury differ. It’s near impossible to find other women that were injured in their mid twenties, that also lost careers, relationships, and everything else in between. While I appreciate the input and advice I’ve been given by injured men, I feel a huge disconnect and feel very isolated and lonely. The few women I have met, that I do consider able to understand me, are mostly all struggling just as much as I am, to cope with the insane amount of loss and change that our injuries have left us with.

Paralysis is so unique a state of being, that many times the things I experience (sensations, or lack thereof) have no comparison to when I was on my feet. Unless you’ve lived through it, you have no idea what it’s like. Anything you imagine is pale in comparison to what it’s like to live with it. There is no way to simulate the lack of feeling, on such as scale as a high level spinal cord injury. I’m not just paralyzed, I’m imprisoned. I’m cut off from 85% of my body. I can only feel my head, neck, shoulders, some of my outer arm (only up to & not including the elbow) and half of my breasts (top half). It’s as if the rest of me no longer exists in certain respects, like outside touch, or stimulation. Unfortunately, I do feel phantom pains, pressure and discomfort, that has no real rhyme or reason, and usually has no medical diagnosis, or solution. There is no way to fully grasp how it feels to lose all sense of independence and dignity overnight. My spinal cord injury stole my ability to be self sufficient in a matter of seconds, and I’ve been wrestling with how to cope with the void left behind, for almost six years. My injury has left me feeling constantly vulnerable, anxious, depressed, full of regret, lost, deprived and scared. While I’ve tried my best to remain positive, despite the bleak reality that a cure is most likely never going to be a reality for me, I feel justified in feeling the way that I do. I’ve made proactive steps ever since day one, to stay as positive and as mentally strong as possible, so that I could somehow keep moving forward, against my inner dissatisfaction of my life and the compromises I’m forced into making every day. I’ve sought counseling, gone to therapy, take an ever growing number of pills (anti-depressants, sleep aides and anti-anxiety meds), share with my peers, write, paint, pray meditate, distraction, etc. and feel like I’m running on vapors and running out of options. I’ve been pushing forward more so for my loved ones, than for myself, and find it increasingly harder to find reason, and/or motivation to essentially keep torturing myself.

It’s maddeningly frustrating to feel like I constantly have to justify for why I feel so down. I get so angry inside and just want to scream sometimes, “are you blind?!” to those people who expect me to accept all that I’ve lost and just to keep moving on with a smile on my face. Most of the time I assume it’s ignorance that makes people have unrealistic expectations. Reality is, most people don’t have a clue what it’s like to be forced into (out of lack of choice) accepting help: to need another adult to bathe, feed, and dress you, to have no control over bodily functions, to need a bowel regime and catheter, to need another person’s help with intimate hygiene tasks, like mouth care, shaving and menstruation, to need help for the smallest and otherwise seemingly insignificant tasks like scratching and itch, or fixing a wrinkle in your clothing, almost total lack of privacy, to be devoid of sensations and cut off from almost all physical intimacy and near total deprivation of sexual pleasure. Is it right for people to expect me (and people in my similar situation) to keep living this way, knowing full well that no one would ever knowingly choose to live this way? I mean, when someone is newly injured there’s always the hope of a cure. Once an individual is medically stable, they’re pretty much stuck living with paralysis. Once reality really hits, and/or hope for a cure fades away, what choices are we left with? Do I really have a choice but to cope the best as I can? Is it right to impose such a harsh quality of life onto someone? At times, I wish I wouldn’t have had that initial hope; that I would’ve given up when death would’ve come easily. Instead, I fought (and continue) to live a compromised version of my old life. It just never seems to get any easier. In fact, coping has gotten progressively harder, and my hope for my old life has faded away. I’m nearly always sad and feel trapped, with few options.

Since my injury, I’ve thought long and hard about quality of life, and about death. I’ve had to. I’ve put my wishes down in my living will, and often wish I would’ve seriously considered what I deemed as quality, before my accident. If I had the living will I have now, at the time of my accident, I would’ve spared myself the last five and a half years of pain. After the trauma and sheer terror of my first year, post accident, I know for certain that I never want to live reliant on machines. I feel it’s bad enough to be completely reliant on people and medication, let alone needing a ventilator, or treatment like dialysis. I’ve been on a ventilator, completely paralyzed. It was a hell on earth that I never want to relive. As scary as death seems to me, it offers the hope of eternal life, or at the very least, an escape from the chronic sickness and emotional pain that I feel every day. Although, I have mixed feelings of sadness for my loved ones and fear, for myself, I find myself contemplating my own mortality on a daily basis. What options do I have? It’s not so easy as just saying, “I give up.” If that were the case, I’m sure many people that are living with paralysis would not be here. At this point, my future seems bleak and it’s hard to be in the dark state that I’m currently in.

There are like I said earlier, people out there that do have a better understanding of my situation, and are somehow able to surpass all of obstacles of paralysis and find happiness. So then I begin to wonder if I’m just weak, for not being able to find joy, and for being so unhappy. Of the people that I know that are living with paralysis, I can’t help but wonder how it is that some of them have continued to try moving forward for decades. I don’t want to live into my forties, if it means I’m still living in a chair. However, I find “giving up” takes perhaps more courage than just scraping by. What are my realist options? I have the right to refuse nutrition, hydration, medications and treatments. What does that really mean? I feel like a lot of my initial strength to fight to live, came out of ignorance and denial of what my life would be like. I’m at a point where I feel like I’m on the verge of going crazy, and I don’t want to choose to die out of ignorance either. The process I’d have to endure, in order to die, might be so unbearable that I might be tempted into backing out, and fight to live again. It’s a horribly sad thought that I’ve thought about many times. Understandably, most people don’t want to contemplate death, or indulge my suicidal tendencies, by giving me straight answers. Then again, up until recently, I was not seeking out specific answers.

I feel as though I’m battling myself, in finding reasons to keep moving forward. In the late hours of the night, I think about my life and the choices I’ve made. I beat myself up over regrets and find myself pleading and begging God to be merciful. Every night, for a long while, I’ve asked God (if he/she exists) to either cure me, or take me. Obviously, I’ve yet to get a response. I can’t help but wrestle with myself over morals and ethics. I wonder if giving up on relying on others is the same as taking my own life. The superstitious (or perhaps faith) part of me wants to know if God would consider refusal of help suicide, and what that would mean for my soul (if I have one). No one can give me concrete answers to those questions. All I know is that it is illegal for my loved ones, or medical professionals to assist me. Therefore, I can’t ask for an injection, or a handful of pills (a quick, peaceful death), without putting that person at criminal liability and/or horrible guilt. I know that if it were legal here (like in Switzerland) I could find it in myself to ask for help, but since it isn’t, I can’t and don’t expect anyone to ruin their own life, for the sake of ending mine. Therefore, my only real options are to refuse the treatments, medication and/or food and water that are keeping me alive. I am curious to know the medical repercussions of such a decision would be and what I’d have to endure, if I chose to exercise my rights. What kind of death would it be, to starve myself of food and water? How long would it take? What would happen if I refused to continue my bowel regime and/or stopped taking my medication? Would those decisions cause a lot of physical pain? Would I qualify for palliative care, like hospice? Would I be entitled to morphine, or something similar, to ease the pain and stress of hunger, impaction, and/or whatever discomforts that refusing those things would bring? What means would be the quickest, least painful way? I did ask my doctor some of these questions, but only got vague responses. I think that’s mostly because he wants me to keep on living, but also out of lack of knowledge. So I’m left wondering if I can find the answers, and if so where? Although part of me feels like a failure, or weak for considering death, I feel like I have the right to know the answers to these questions.

I hesitated to even post this, as I'm sure there are many that might not agree with, or condone this type of dialogue, or conversation. I also know that this blog will cause my loved ones pain. In fact, I posted this on the CareCure forums first (about a week ago), in hopes of connecting with other people with SCIs, and giving myself a chance to gather some feedback from people in similar situations. I stirred up a decent response, and have been continuing to reply to the ideas, and comments that people have shared with me.

I’m just looking for answers. I don’t expect anyone to advocate the thought of giving up on life. I understand that there are many people that are fine with their lives, and living with paralysis. I also expect that most anyone who reads this will probably try and dissuade me from taking drastic measures and offer me I pep talk. I’m not even saying that I am giving up. I just want to know what my options are, at this point in my life. I realize that I’m at a very low point; that’s precisely why I’m seeking help. I don’t want to feel miserable, but I am.



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Updated Link: Soul Survivor

EbruTV updated their website with a new look. I really like the new streamlined, modern look they've created for their site! I worked with them in 2009 on a show they produce called "Soul Survivors." I'm updating all of my social networking sites with the new link. Check out the episode & see me talking about my accident, my experiences living with paralysis and my artwork. Please feel free to leave me feedback & share the link with family and friends! Thanks <3

http://www.ebru.tv/en/genres/LifestyleCulture/soul-survivors/episodes/1/110-christina-symanski

Virtual Art

I've always been on the fence in terms of how I feel towards virtual art. On one hand, I don't see it as "Fine Art," and tend to place a higher value on traditional materials: paint, chalk, ink, clay, plaster, pastels, canvas, etc. I think this is because I recognize the skill, work & cost that's involved in traditional art work, and am more familiar working with traditional supplies.. On the other hand, I can't deny that training and skill are just as important in the digital arena. Besides, let's face it, when it comes to discussing art, creativity trumps it all. Creativity aside, the cost of materials, time and labor do factor in, in terms of value. With virtual art, the artist has to invest in the equipment and software necessary to produce work, however those materials do not deplete with use and results can be infinitely copied. With traditional materials, every work of art is guaranteed to be unique.

There's something to be said for the interaction between an artist and his/her tools of trade. It is a totally different experience when you physically interact with tangible materials, versus simulated versions. The results may be similar, but the artist is missing out on the kinesthetic experience, when he/she creates their artwork through virtual means. As an artist, I love the different smells, textures and feel of working with different materials. Each material has a unique feel to it and reacts differently depending on what you mix it with and what techniques you use.

Being a disabled artist, there are so many things that I miss out on, due to my paralysis. The freedom to use a variety of materials is one of the many things I can no longer do. Although I still paint, there are tons of other materials and tools that are not suited well to be used with my mouth. Plus, the sensations of feeling things with your hands is totally different from the sensations you might feel using your foot or mouth. Even switching from one hand to another can be a new experience. If you've ever tried working with your weaker hand, I'm sure you can relate.

I miss being able to feel the tension of the scissors as they press down on the paper, and the sound the paper makes, as you slice through it. I miss the smoothness of gliding markers across paper and the smells of the ink. I miss being able to fold, crinkle, pinch, pull, glue, cut, tear and tape paper. I was never really good with clay, but miss experimenting with it. Clay can be cold and wet or oily and slimy. You can squish clay through your fingers and mold it with your hands. Building a sculpture might mean chipping away at a stone, welding metal together or sawing pieces of wood. Two materials I don't miss are chalk and charcoal. I hate the feeling of chalk: the dustiness of it, the scratchy sound it makes on paper and the dryness in creates in my hands. Some people love using chalk and charcoal, because it's great for drawing and easy to create values, by rubbing or smearing it. All of the common materials for two dimensional artwork can be simulated with computer software. Many art programs can mimic how materials blend and overlap as well. However, with digital art, you lose out on tactile texture. You can print out a picture that looks rough in texture, but it will only have the smooth surface of the paper.

Most traditional art supplies are messy. Materials like chalk, pastels and crayons are meant to be held, and often times have no covering and you must touch them directly with your skin. Such materials are not suited well for using your mouth. There are many supplies that I'd need to greatly modify or cover to use them. Although I could add coverings to make certain materials safe to put in my mouth, it often makes the materials cumbersome and awkward to grip. Wet materials like paint and ink work best for mouth art, because they are designed to be applied with instruments (brushes and pens) and provide the artist with a much safer distance to the material and work surface. The other challenge to mouth art, is that it is not easy to work in color (other than paint) or erase. Constantly having to switch out markers or color pencils is annoying and the inability to flip the pencil over, or needing a separate eraser is frustrating. There are many materials I avoid, because it is not worth the aggravation. For me, the paintbrush is the easiest to control, correct and use color. Using my mouth is also very different from using my hands and while I'm grateful to be able to at least paint, it's an entirely new experience.

I'll admit, virtual art also takes skill and talent. With most professional grade art software, you still need to start out with good drawing skills and knowledge of color. There's tons of high tech software that requires training. Most computer artists and animators have to know how to translate 3D objects onto a flat surface, mimic lighting effects and textures. Artists that make computer animation need strong understanding of traditional drawing skills (pencil and paper), before they pick up a mouse and a keyboard. I realize that most professional digital artists have fine art backgrounds as part of their training. The thing that irks me about digital art, is that there are a lot of cheaper programs out there that let the average person cut, paste and tweak photos or prefab images and then call it art. It's similar to professional photographers using an SLR 35mm manual camera, versus Joe Shmoe with his point and click, fully automatic, digital camera. It just gets on my nerves when untrained people make cookie cutter art and pass it off as original, fine art. It's totally different if you create original digital art, using your own ideas and skills. Unfortunately, the average person doesn't always know what they're looking at or the work (or lack thereof) involved in creating a work of art. That is why I sometimes get annoyed when I see "art" made from prefab clip art or someone just fooling around with filter effects on Photoshop. I feel that some computer programs make it too easy to create "digital art", which detracts from the validity and skill involved in making true, high quality art (digital or traditional).

Despite my misgivings with digital art, I've embraced the future and have begun experimenting with different possibilities. Sharing information on the materials and process I use, with the viewer, is an important part of adding value and validity to my art. I figure, if viewers are informed about the different types of software out there, they can better assess the work for themselves. It's important to me that people know what goes into making each piece and the ideas behind it. As long as I stick to that plan, I feel confident about showing my digital art, alongside my traditional paintings.

Technology has given me back the ability to easily sketch and draw with color. Although I was already familiar with Photoshop and Paint, using the mouse makes it very difficult for me to maintain control or accuracy. The program that works best for me is Sketchbook Pro, which is on my iPad. The iPad is wonderful, because it uses touch and I can draw directly on the screen, as if I were using a paintbrush, or pen. I can easily swap colors, textures (mimicking different materials), erase and store my work. I was pleasantly surprised (and shocked) at how precise you can be on it, using a stylus and at how well it simulates various materials. The other great thing about the iPad is that it's compact and light. There's no mess involved either, so I'm free to draw almost anywhere, including in bed. It has been wonderful being able to draw and sketch again.

So far I've posted a handful of drawings on my Flickr site. I also signed up for "Project Sketchbook", which is through the Arthouse Co-op. I'll be using my iPad to create all the sketches I plan to use in my book. Once the sketchbook is full, it'll get mailed back to the Co-op in Brooklyn. The sketches will ultimately go on tour across the country to several exhibits and finally stored in the Brooklyn Art Library, where people can access the drawings in person or online. I'll be able to keep track of where my book is and who's seen it. It's a great chance to raise awareness for spinal cord injuries and so far it's been fun working on it.

One other digital art venture I recently took part in was an online contest for a game I play, called "Super Poke Pets!" or "SPP" for short. The game is by Slide and available to play on social networking sites, like Facebook and Myspace. In the game you adopt a virtual pet and earn points and virtual coins, by caring for it and by having play dates with your friend's virtual pets. The coins you earn are used to buy items to decorate your pet's habitat. Players can place as many items in their habitats as they like, in an infinite amount of ways. There are millions of people that currently play and they have a rather active online forum, where players can share ideas, trade items and show off their habitats. I fell in love with game for it's cute style and open ended possibilities for creativeness. I enjoy going on the forums and seeing how other people decorate their habitats. The staff chooses a handful of the best habitat entries each week and winners get a special collector's badge and their habitat earns a spot in the game's hall of fame. There are tons and tons of amazing habitats and really creative, innovative ways that players use the in game items to create pictures. I enter my creations from time to time as well.

Back in January, I entered a picture I made, called "Picasso Inspired Habitat," which was inspired by Picasso's painting, " Girl Before a Mirror." In the picture I recreated Picasso's original painting and then added a detail of the girl's face and her reflection on each side. It was really well received and I ended up winning the "Staff Choice Award" badge and it was added to the hall of fame. It was pretty cool getting the recognition and getting to see my habitat pop up on the hall of fame window, every once in a while. They also contacted me about sharing my story with an LA Times reporter. Apparently, they had my habitat hanging in the office and they pitched the idea to the reporter, who was covering something else for Slide. I was happy to talk with them, figuring it'd be more exposure for SCIs on the west coast. We did a phone interview, but the reporter said she couldn't promise that anything would be printed. She was just interested in the story & how I created the picture. So far no word back from them about it.

Then, about a month ago, a staff member from SPP emailed me and I thought it might be regarding the newspaper article. Instead, it was about a new series of items they planned on releasing. They sell gold items, which cost real money and one of the series they do is called the "Masterpiece" series. Each masterpiece is an SPP recreation (which replaces people with SPP pets) of a famous painting and sells for about $50. The masterpieces are rare releases and purchasers get a special badge for buying them. The new series they wrote to me about, is called "Community Classics" and each gold item is a replica of community members' habitats. They are equally as rare as masterpieces, sell for $20 and also grant buyers a badge. To my surprise, they decided to use my Picasso habitat as their first "Community Classic" item! I got a special creator badge, $25 worth of game gold and my own item. It was super exciting getting to see my picture on the Facebook announcement and in the forums. I got to write about the picture (included in the forum post) and it was great exposure for my cause. I've gotten a ton of nice comments and feedback and it's been a good opportunity to promote my website.

Art Education: Bringing Light to Contemporary Issues

Although it's been four years since my accident I still think about my "old" life on a daily basis. I can't speak for other people in my situation, but personally I find it impossible to not be reminded of everything I had and lost. One of the aspects of my old life that I miss the most is my career. It saddens me to think about all the years I spent in collage and all the time and effort I put into my work. I was truly blessed to know what I wanted early on in life and to have the motivation and talent to achieve my goals. So many of my friends floundered through college and/or chose career paths that they are unhappy with. I genuinely loved my college experience and my career. Not many people can say they enjoy their job. I have pictured myself as an art teacher ever since I was in junior high and although I always believed I'd create art on the side, I never envisioned myself as a "starving artist." I chose teaching because I wanted the stability of a steady job and for my love of children. Being an art teacher was the perfect profession for me, because I got to create art every day and inspire children to love art just as much as I do. It was also greatly satisfying to see the children creating and to see their finished artwork. Children's art is special because it captures the world from their perspective. I couldn't help but feel happy and re-energized when I would see all my students' work. Displaying the finished projects was one of my favorite things to do, because I was so proud of the work and wanted everyone to see how wonderful it was. Hanging displays also gave me the opportunity to teach the concepts or history behind each lesson to the larger school community.

It was (and still is) important to me to teach children to appreciate art and understand the vital role art plays in our every day lives. All of my lessons included historical examples of art work and highlighted the reasons behind each piece of artwork or specific techniques. This way, my students could learn about practical uses for art as well as understand how art impacts humanity and how all cultures use art as a form of expression.

I suppose there is a certain irony to my life, in the sense of how my career path changed. Most art majors in college would probably say their dream is to be a successful artist in terms of exhibiting and selling their work. In fact, it irks me that a lot of people use teaching as a "fall back" career option. My dream has always been focused on the teaching aspect of art education and never so much on my own artistic fame or success. That is why I say it is ironic that I find myself outside of the classroom and "working" as an artist.

Once I began painting again, after my accident I focused primarily on skill and technique. I joined the AMFPA and the paintings I give to them I create with the intention of them being able to reproduce them and raise money for the organization. I paint mostly still-lives for the AMFPA and working on them is great practice and skill building for me.

As many of you already know, my personal artwork focuses on my feelings and struggles with paralysis. I choose not to sell my work at this time and rather use it as a teaching tool. Although I am no longer in my classroom, it is my hope that I can educate others through my art. The paintings I've had in exhibits all touch on different issues that impact my life. Some of my work is highly person and depicts specific challenges I face or events that were traumatic. Creating each painting helps me to flush out certain emotions and thoughts I've kept bottled up. In this sense I'm sharing a small part of my burdens with the viewer. It is my hope that when people see my work they walk away with a new perspective on paralysis and desire to help raise awareness. Anyone is subject to injury and I think it's crucial that people understand that they could very easily end up in my shoes. Empathy is more important to me than sympathy. I want people to have a greater appreciation for what they have and to think about how they might feel in my situation. Many of the struggles I face are general issues that all people with disabilities can relate to. I also think it's important to shed light on the big picture and to highlight current events that impact my life, both directly and indirectly.

So, I guess you could say I am still teaching, just in a different way. I'd prefer to still be in my classroom, but am grateful that I still have an avenue for inspiring others to love art and to use art as teaching tool. I've been fortunate that people have taken an interest in my work and have supported me in my goals. I'd like to exhibit more in the future and will continue to grab opportunities to raise awareness whenever I can. For me, fame is not a concern. If I can help educate others about paralysis and in turn help find a cure, that's all that matters to me.

2009: A Year in Review

2009 was a very busy year for me!

I had my work exhibited in two galleries. The first exhibit was held at the Arts Unbound gallery, from July to September. During that time, I also participated in a filming of an episode of the show Soul Survivors. The show is about people that have had traumatic, life changing experiences and how they have overcome them. The show is produced by Ebru TV. Ebru TV is currently available through the cable provider RCN (unfortunately this provider is not in New Jersey), online on the Ebru TV official website and via satellite (not Direct TV, an actual satellite dish that uses specific coordinates). Apparently, EbruTV producers discovered my story through my involvement with the Association for Mouth and Foot Painting Artists and contacted me through them.The episode is about my accident and the impact it's had on my life; as well as how I use art to cope with my situation and help others by raising awareness. We filmed the episode on two separate occasions, which included a sit down interview and painting demonstration at my apartment and at the reception for the Arts Unbound exhibit. The episode has already aired on cable (RCN), and is now available to download and watch online. I'm waiting for permission to include the video on my site as well. Despite my ability to find a million flaws in myself; I'm very pleased at the final result. I'm hoping to share it with as many people as I possibly can! I think they did a wonderful job in putting my story together (there are just two mistakes on the captions, which include: the date of my accident and the fact that I was familiar with pool). I'm hoping to use the video as a teaching tool, in my efforts to raise awareness.

This past September to October I had a solo exhibit at Kean University (my alma mater). The exhibit featured about 15 of my paintings and was held in the student gallery. The exhibit was a big hit! I was so pleased at the turn out for the opening reception and am continually greatful to my friends (mostly ex-professors of mine) in the Kean community for their support. I got to know a lot of faculty and staff when I was an undergraduate student and have remained in touch with many of them. As an added bonus, all incoming freshman received flyers about the show and information about spinal cord injuries. I worked as a freshman advisor for three years during my years at Kean and was thrilled at the opportunity to reach out to so many people, especially college freshman who are in the most common age bracket for spinal cord injuries. News 12 (NJ cable news station) also filmed the exhibit. I'm working with John Bathke, who is a reporter for News 12 and host of his own show, called On the Scene. The show focuses on local artists, actors and musicians. I was filmed at the gallery and here in my home, similarly to Soul Survivors. I'm still working on the painting for that show and look forward to seeing it once it's all put together. I will of course, let everyone know when it is due to air and I'm waiting to hear if it can be included on my website.

As for 2010, I will be participating in another Ebru TV show called Blank Canvas and continuing to paint. I'm hoping to exhibit more in the future and work on maintaining and improving my website. In the end, all my efforts are to help raise awareness and support for a cure to paralysis. I'm praying 2010 will bring about exciting breakthroughs and new treatments, ideally a cure.

Technology gives a paralyzed artist a new way to express himself through art.

My brother-in-law sent me this article/video (http://gizmodo.com/5403741/eyewriter-allows-man-to-paint-despite-paralysis). It is a great demonstration of how technology can open up new possibilities & return independence to people with disabilities. As a disabled artist, I can certainly understand how liberating the creative process can be. Painting is one of few things that I can still do (with a limited amount of assistance to help set up). I feel as though I can relate to the man (Tony) in this story on many levels. He is completely paralyzed, due to ALS, but was a gifted graffiti artist before his illness. I too am paralyzed (from my chest down) and have a background in art. Prior to my accident I was an art teacher. I was also studying painting at night. The love of art & the ability to still be able to express myself through painting, has been one of the few things that gives me the strength I need to keep moving forward.I am fortunate to have a bit more function than Tony, but I know the desperate feeling being locked-in your own body.Shortly after my accident I was placed on a ventilator and completely unable to move or speak. I know exactly what it is like to have your mind racing with thoughts and being unable to communicate them. Even now, it is extremely frustrating that I can't instantaneously jot down thoughts or sketch ideas as they come to me. Although I'm sure they've developed a system for Tony to communicate his needs, I'm sure it is only a fraction of what he'd like to say. Not to mention the fact, that you can only communicate when people are with you. It becomes impossible to communicate by phone or initiate conversations. I can remember my nurses, friends and family using alphabet charts and lists to help me communicate through a system of blinks. It was an arduous task to try and hold the most basic conversations. I felt frustrated and trapped during my time spent on the ventilator.Tony's condition, ALS, or Lou Gehrig's disease is progressive and I'm guessing he has lost function/mobility over time, and will unfortunately continue to degenerate in the future. I recognize the differences in our conditions, but feel the similarities are such that I can relate to Tony's situation much better than the people that wrote the article and filmed him. I can imagine what he's going through and what emotions he's feeling because I can draw from my own experiences.My paralysis is due to a spinal cord injury, which means I lost practically all of my function/mobility in an instant. After the initial impact of a spinal cord injury, the spinal cord swells and the body goes into shock. In my case, I only recovered movement/feeling in the areas controlled by the portion of spine at or above the injury site. Luckily, that meant I was able to get off the ventilator as the swelling subsided. Although it's not much, my ability to speak and move my head and neck has given me enough function to paint using my mouth. Painting has become a vital outlet for expression for me. Painting has also given me a sense of purpose.I'm not usually interested in gadgets. I'm always focused more on finding a cure to paralysis, than finding adaptive equipment. My aversion to "gadgets," as I always call them, is due in part to my stubbornness and refusal to accept my situation as permanent. Part of me feels like if I embrace life in a wheelchair whole heartily, I'm giving up my belief in a cure. I much rather invest my time/money towards finding a cure, versus the development of adaptive equipment. That said, I understand the quality of life factor and agree that gadgets play an important role in allowing people with disabilities to retain as much freedom as possible.I'm positive that Tony's quality of life has been improved by owning/using this eye writer technology. I think it's wonderful that he can express his thoughts and continue to share his artwork with the world. I've seen similar technology used to navigate the computer as well. It is amazing that these machines can interpret so many different commands from such infinitely small movements and blinks. I know that I would feel lost without my computer these days and devastated if I could no longer paint. The power of expression is an awesome thing. This eye writer technology can give Tony (and people in similar situations) the ability to express more than just his needs. He can express his thoughts and feelings through art in ways that might not ever be able to with words. Art provides an outlet for such a deep and complicated emotions and can be very therapeutic in helping people deal with traumatic situations. It's not often that a gadget catches my eye, but this is something that excited me and gave me a need to share the info with others. Brain power is so often wasted on creating trivial things or on inventions that ultimately hurt society (like bombs and weapons). I find it refreshing to see a device that has the potential to improve the quality of peoples' lives. The eye writer is a wonderful application of technology.